Guidelines for Market Turbulence
Friday, 19 September 2008

Guidelines of 10 Safety Tips For Times of Extreme Market Turbulence:

  1. Never borrow money to buy a stock. If you have a death wish, it is far easier and faster to take a bath with your toaster. Borrowing money to buy stock is, however, more convenient than the seven day waiting period required for purchasing a handgun.
  2. Never recommend a stock to friends or family members, unless you like the thought of receiving death threats for the next ten years, being ignored at Holiday festivities, or forever being known as "the schmuck" who recommended they buy Fannie Mae at $15.00.
  3. Do not frequent single ticker message boards. Single ticker message boards are unfortunately often stealth distributors of cyanide laced Koolaid, and recruiting stations for brain eating stock cults. Such cults, while mesmerizing and strangely addictive, often end up with bizarre rituals of group financial suicide. In addition, cult members are often missing a chromosome rendering them less than ideal mates. Should you find yourself inadvertantly trapped in a stock cult which is on a well planned collision course with the earth's core, or SEC regulators, please identify all exits ahead of time for an emergency escape, and consider a 50% loss as Mr. Market's way of telling you that 'they trade best who trade alone'.
  4. Be extremely cautious of "no brainer" picks recommended on such boards. These are recommendations for people with no brain. Truth.
  5. Anytime you hear a "boat" or "truck" reference in the same sentence as buying a stock, be alarmed. 'Loading the boat' and 'backing up the truck', should immediately conjure images of martime disasters, refugee flotillas, stolen merchandise, and traffic accidents covered by a news helicopter.
  6. Practice 'safe speculation' (an oxymoron I know), and never put all your eggs in one basket, unless you like the idea of a big, runny omelette with bits of eggshell and wicker in it.
  7. Contrary to a popular 19th century belief, the best time to buy is not when blood is running in the streets, unless you like the idea of owning a mangled corpse. These concepts do not apply where the the stock may have been attacked with the lead PIPE of dilution or due to be demolished as a public health hazard due to billions of dollars of ABS having been found rotting in the basement. In such cases, the blood can run for weeks, leading to the stock's agonizing demise trading in the range of first class U.S. postage. Think of those sharp investors from Kuwait and their "fire-sale" purchase of MER from a few months back.
  8. In the event of a sudden sharp loss of buying pressure, keep the aisles clear, an eye on the escape hatches and remember that at these times market orders are your friend.
  9. Should extreme market volatility cause you to become suddenly ill, do not put your computer at risk. Professional traders keep a copy of the Wall Street Journal near at hand for these occasions. Investors Business Daily is also quite absorbent.
  10. Remember that bears make money, bulls make money. Pigs with dreams of a $1.00 financial stock returning to $80 in our planet's lifetime, get a complimentary ride through the Cuisinart, and generally end up as a side dish to breakfast.
 



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